This Unknown Realm

"Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a meadow. I'll meet you there". It was this quote of Rumi's that set me up on a journey to find that meadow and eventually lead me to this unknown realm. The question is, does that meadow really exist, or is it nothing but just a Rumi's imagination?

It all started in the fall of 2018, when after months of paperwork, I eventually had an appointment with the Embassy of the United States, never had I knew the happiness I had after the officer informed me that I was granted a visa would accompany itself with sorrows, mellows, and loneliness. See, it's not that I didn't plan, I had an entire plan, but my plans weren't the same as the universe's plan. 

I wanted to share my happiness with the people I love the most, but it wasn't happy that they all had in return to share along. Well, I was not alone on this journey to find the meadow, I had a friend to accompany me all this time. It was like Rumi's Sham or Siddhartha's Govinda but the trip I was about to embark had me alone. Days passed by, and the date of the departure came closer and with it my urge to not let it happen. I was, I think maybe the first one who wished that time slows down and that the biggest dream of my life should just be just a dream. 

I am born in Karachi, but it wasn't the first time I was leaving (rather ditching) her to be with someone else. I have ditched her, previously for Islamabad but this time it was different. This time she had a lot more to offer than she had ever before. It was then, I realized it's actually never a city that attracts someone to herself; it's the memories you have in there and how you have them. Probably now I could understand why Manto could never let go of Mumbai( in his case Bombay). It wasn't the city herself that he desired, it was the moments, the memories and the reasons for those moments and memories that kept a fire within him for Bombay. It was the same fire that flamed within me. I tried, but I wasn't able to stop my dream from coming true. I did leave Karachi behind me, but I never let it go. Till this date, if I close my eyes, I see a glimpse of her right in front of me. It wasn't just a snap that occurred, and voila, I left Karachi. There were many goodbyes and many farewells. But although goodbyes and farewells are actually meant to part ways it, in reality, they don't. Each goodbye and each farewell knitted me in an even stronger bond and made it harder for me to leave it. 

I can still remember, after kissing my mother goodbye and hugging my best friends farewell, with a heavy heart, I enter the clearance gate of Jinnah International Airport. Somewhere I wanted something wrong to happen, which could be my reason to turn back. When I moved forward, I kept on moving forward because I knew if I turn, then I am switching back. Although at that moment it was something I desired the most, but then there were some promises which were to be kept. Walking ahead I wished I would've lost my ticket, but I didn't, prayed that I wasn't responsible enough to carry my passport, but I did, and I hoped my information was wrong, but it wasn't. Everything kept on clicking. Not one issue, nothing minor even. There wasn't a single event that could lean me down to turn back. On reaching in the plane, all I wished was something to topple and for it to turn back. It never did. It kept moving forward and eventually reached Dubai International Airport, my first and only stopover. The plane I was in, arrived late and I didn't have much time to think or sit. I have to run towards the other. I didn't know why I ran, I wished I could have slowed down and missed it. Entering the plane en route Chicago, my heart was beating. I could literally hear it thumping as if it would break free from the rib cage holding it behind. I didn't know what calmed me down, maybe the thought that I am near that meadow or perhaps the promises or maybe me myself but I know that out of 13 hours of that flight; I was crying on half of it. I could still remember the lady beside me asking what happened only to hear me say, "nothing much, I just feel lost." Other then that all my memories of the flight are faded, no matter how much I try, I cannot remember any of it. Nothing. It's like, It's like I left me behind at the Jinnah International Airport. 

You might be thinking I am one crazy dramatic guy who is engulfed in memories of the past and hating the opportunities of the present. Well, it's not that. Even I used to think that way for me. But the reality is your mind entangles memories of past if the memories of the present aren't as good as them. I think it's fair, everyone clunk onto the best things why can't we clunk to the best of the memories? But, it's not just memories, there is always more to it. 

When I came to America, I had it pictured differently. I mean I am not saying that I expected a bunch of playmates to welcome me in Chicago but whatever happened next wasn't the expected either. I came to this place, it was a desi paradise, Devon. You don't even have to speak English to get around. Urdu works; instead, Urdu is preferred. My ride stopped right in front of a bank called Devon bank. Around me were butcher shops and Desi restaurants. It smelled like rotten Chicken, and it naturally because of the butcher shops. At that instant I wished, for one thing, the house I have to live in should be at a distance from here, but as you know by now, my wishes had decided to never come true. Therefore, I walked my bags up above that butcher shop, thus embarking my journey to this unknown realm in search of a probable metaphorical meadow. 

That night didn't end there, I wanted to explore that area more, and I won't be lying, the more I walked into the streets of Devon, the more I hated everything about it. It was as if someone made a lousy remake of Pakistan choosing to keep all the vices while skipping all the virtues. All the reasons forcing me away from Pakistan were standing right in front of me, and all those that were pushing me, back weren't. 

I met people who were born in the US but were more close-minded than the people in Pakistan. It's not just there close-mindless, it's how they talk, what they talk about something and how much they about something. They live in the United States, yet they don't leave any stone unturned to ridicule it. I have met Muslims who wouldn't eat pork or Haram, who wouldn't drink alcohol or smoke pot because they fear Allah, but the very moment they get a chance to fuck somebody up for a personal gain, they wouldn't give it another thought. Hypocrisy, fraudulence, dishonesty, and untrustworthiness I have not only seen it but experience it all in this unknown realm. I am not sure maybe this how it is beyond boundaries of wrong and right but I am sure that this is no meadow, not even a metaphorical one. 

It's not that I don't know people in this unknown realm, but it's better to know them not in this strange realm. Well, some may argue, something is better than nothing, but sometimes nothing is better than anything. It's better to avoid people who drain you emotionally or who you have no connection at all. I met some people here, I tried to befriend them, but they turned out to be the worst people someone could ever meet. Any memories with them are better than having any. Others are too invested within themselves, they have no time for other and last type I met are dangerous because the largest span of their time is spent in scheming and the remaining other in being invested in other people's lives. Therefore isn't it good to avoid them instead of being them? But it's not always how you want things to be, I would feel bad but no shame in saying, I befriended them and not because I wanted to, but I had to. Sometimes needs overtake principals, and this is one such case. Sometimes you stick around with someone not because you both can embark on a journey beyond the boundaries of wrong and right, but just because you both are need of each other. It could be anything, splitting rent, splitting gas or merely splitting the cost of a meal. 

I am not confident what Rumi's meadow was? Probably he just thought of it and never embarked upon its journey, or possibly he knew it was merely metaphorical or it was perhaps a lie after all. I never knew this journey to the meadow would change me this way. I knew it would, every flight has effects on you but never had I knew I was being affected. In this unknown realm, I lost a lot and befriended a lot, like lost companionship to help loneliness and lost comfort to help discomfort but amongst all of them; I missed the desires and passions I once had. I never knew I would be living in a dream where I have everything but my thoughts. In this unknown realm, which may or may not be a meadow, I am no more what I used to be. Why is it when I close my eyes they dream of something because like most around me say, "I am living my dreams". Maybe this is what happens when your dream come true? Or maybe what I dreamt of wasn't actually what I imagined of. 

"Be melting snow. Wash yourself of yourself "I don't what Rumi actually meant here, or maybe I am snow whose melting and washing myself of me. But if it's this, then why is that all I am washing of me is, the good in me? Why is it I see myself drained out of energies that used to drive? All those verses of mine are no more in rhyme, neither are they prose nor are they blank. They have something in them, but what they contain within them is something I don't subsume. Why is it this path to an envisioned meadow encompassing within it eternal ecstasy have everything but an ecstasy? Is it my fault that I see nothing but ecstasy around me? Maybe it's me. Once a wise friend told me that if an algorithm does not work while coding, it isn't because the algorithm is wrong it's because we're coding it wrong ( or this case doing it wrong). Maybe there is a meadow, and it's not metaphorical. Maybe it's actually beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, but it's me, that doing it all wrong. Or maybe I am getting wounded so that light can enter within me as Rumi said, "the wound is the place where the Light enters you". But if it's really light that needs to enter within me, it better hurry up because I am already wounded beyond repair. But, yes another but, what if the light he talked about was metaphorical and the wounds were just the reality? What if all this is a light and I am stuck in an unknown realm? 

It is said that it's not always thorns and bushes and it isn't. Even this unknown realm is not all thorns and bushes. I did meet people I never expect to ever meet. I sit and eat with people who I was taught to hate. Some of them were introduced to me as a traitor, and some others were not even mentioned. It was in this realm I learned, the white man's burden. It was in this realm I experienced empathy, sympathy and hard work. I have heard people talking about sleepless nights and sleeping on couches, all these are the perks that I experienced in this unknown realm. Some of you might be wondering why am I considering them perks? These are perks they make you better, better at emotions, better at sympathizing, better at understanding and eventually making one a better person. At times this unknown realm gave me a better perspective of the world around me, at times I see the world with an angel I never had seen earlier. Some angels would have never been in my compass has it not been for this unknown realm. Maybe after all this realm is not that bad after all, perhaps if I could compromise and be what it wants me to be? But why is it everything but that promised meadow? 

I came here to grow as a person and enhance my knowledge although I grew as a person and at one-say, I improve my experience, but then there are areas where I didn't grow let alone strengthen my knowledge. This is not because I didn't want to but because I didn't find that mentor that could for once guide me on this track. But this journey may be one mentorless journey. 

It is also said that at times you meet someone so that they can connect you with someone and then wholly eradicate themselves from between. I just heard it before, but I experienced it here in this realm. I met a few people who I never knew I would come close with. It's not like how it was back home, and there are still a few firewalls and sheets. I don't know would I ever be able to drop down these sheets and turnoff this firewall or not? I just know as of now I am at an unknown realm seeking of something I am not sure enough. 

In this unknown realm, I am uncertain of everyone and everything, I am confident of even myself. I am optimistic about the experiences of people who explained to me that this realm is a test and that there is a meadow. I don't know, would I be affected by it more? I don't know how much of me would I be me? Maybe it's a test. Perhaps it's something that makes me ready for that meadow. At this stage, I know nothing, but it's still not my soul and me because it's this unknown realm that completed for me that incomplete quote that began it all, "Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing there is a field. I'll meet you there. When the soul lies down in that grass, the world is too full to talk about."